


Somebody To Find You

by AJpopsicle



Category: Dear Evan Hansen
Genre: Deh - Freeform, F/M, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-18 22:53:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14861846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AJpopsicle/pseuds/AJpopsicle
Summary: What if Connor's attempt failed? But what if things started to turn out the same way regardless?Evan and Connor become sorta friends after lying about their friendship for Cynthia.





	1. Chapter 1

(Takes place after Jared and Evan talk on the computer. Connor's suicide attempt failed and he's back at school)

 

The bell rings for the beginning of school. In the midst of the constant flow of students traveling to and from their lockers, there's a sweating Evan Hansen fumbling with his lock. He's beginning to get extremely frustrated when he feels someone's arm push past him. Evan looks around and sees Connor slowly making his way through the crowd, dragging his feet as he walks. 

'Okay, okay it's fine,' Evan thinks to himself, 'maybe if you just be friendly with him and he won't show anyone that letter. God, I hope he doesn't freak out on me again...'  
"Hi Connor!" Evan accidentally screams, a little high pitched. Many people, including Connor, turn their heads to face the anxious teen.  
'Damn it,' he yells in his head, 'That was loud. People are staring. What if Connor yells at me god I hope not he'll make an even bigger sce-.' He snaps out of his thoughts as he notices Connor looking at him expectantly.  
"Hey," Connor replies, sounding as though he doesn't care, and walks off to class.   
"Well that was okay," Evan murmurs to himself while he gets his lock open despite his sweaty, shaky hands and races down the hallway for his first period class.

First period for Connor is biology. He is sitting in the far back corner of the classroom, repeatedly clicking his pen with one hand and using the other arm to keep his head up. He's not thinking about anything, but does question why Evan Hansen was being nice to him. 'Why would he bother saying hi to me anyway. I mean, I pushed him in the hallway and after I was actually slightly nice to him, I screamed at him and took his paper. He could just print out a new one. Evan probably just found out somehow what I did. Yeah. The only reason he's talking to me it's because he pities me. I won't be shocked if the entire school knew tomorrow about what happened, since he'll go off telling everyone how much of a broken freak I really am.' Connor snaps out of his daydream looking state only as the teacher begins to speak.

"Alright class, today we're switching up our lab partners so take a look on the board where you and your partner will be sitting," she says.  
"Alana," Connor mutters to himself scanning the room. "Oh, the nerd, great," he sighs. In a split second he sees the girl standing next to him holding her arm out to shake his hand.  
"Hello, you may not remember me, my name is Alana, as you can see on the board, but I'm glad to have you as my new acquaintance for this marking period as your lab partner!"  
Connor weakly shakes her hand, rolls his eyes and begins to doodle on his paper with a pen. Alana starts to speak again just as he does this.  
"You know we have to hand that in at the end of the marking period, right?," she questions.  
Connor looks down at the flowers he's made in the corner. "Whatever." He continues to draw.  
"...Alright," Alana replies, "well we have two extremely large packets due at the end of the month so I was thinking if we-"  
"Okay." He cuts her off, obviously not interested.  
"Okay, well I'm starting it today, here's my phone number if you need any help or have any questions, okay?" she says taking out a piece of paper and scratching digits onto it.  
"Thanks," Connor sighs, stuffing the paper into his bag. 'This girl isn't going to let me be... She’s going to have me actually doing my work if she keeps this up. Maybe I’ll even pass this marking period.'

Evan's first period is English, his favorite class. He doesn't have to talk very often since his teacher excused him from doing presentations due to his anxiety. It took three doctor's notes to get away with it. Jared is sitting next to him. He says he only talks to him so his parents can pay for his car insurance, but Evan rarely sees him talking to other people. Jared often looks unsettled and nervous during the two classes they have together, but somehow always covers it up with a fake ego. Evan spends a lot of time in English trying to figure him out, since it's easier for Evan to observe rather than converse.

The rest of the day goes by ordinarily and the scene switches over to the end of school.  
Evan is sitting in the computer lab again reprinting out his letter for his therapist. This time, he makes sure that no one else is there to accidentally look at it. Especially not Connor. Though he saw Connor race out of the school avoiding everyone, Evan is still paranoid that he'll show up any second.

At the Murphy's house   
Connor arrives home earlier than his sister, and is also sweating from practically sprinting his way back here. He's about to head upstairs to his room when he hears his mom call him.  
"Connor, sweetie, can you come down for a minute?" Cynthia yells from the kitchen.  
'Of course,' Connor's heart starts to beat faster and somehow begins to sweat even more. 'She's going to ask me questions. SHIT the note. I didn't have it when I woke up which means she took it, but she hasn't mentioned it so far. Shit shit shit. I left that note in my pocket because, well, Evan's words described what I was feeling perfectly. Even Zoe.'   
Connor steps into the kitchen cautiously and freezes when he sees his mom sitting down with the folded piece of paper in her hand.  
"Hey, honey, I know you don't want to talk about what happened but... is Evan your friend, I mean," there are tears forming in her eyes and her voice wavers a little, "you wrote this to him, 'your best and most dearest friend'? Maybe you can invite him over tomorrow for dinner. You never told me about him, I'd like to get to know him don't you think?"  
'Thank god, she did most of the talking...' "Sure mom, I'll see what I can do." He only says this to avoid any further questions, and having a "friend" over will help with stopping any further conversations, too.   
"Great, let me know if he's coming over right after school, okay?"  
"Okay mom."  
At the Hansen's house  
As soon as Evan walked through the door he saw him mom, Heidi, run over to him.  
"Hi honey, how was your day? Was it good?"  
"Yeah mom, it was... good."  
"Great honey, well I have some pasta cooking now if you want to get yourself washed up."  
"Sure, thanks."  
Heidi goes back to cooking and looks a bit worriedly back at Evan who is walking the opposite way.  
'Connor didn't seem too upset today... Maybe we could actually be friends- wait, wouldn't everyone notice? But would that really be a bad thing? Connor doesn't look like he has any friends, maybe he needs one... And you think that person he needs is you? Well, I can try... Tomorrow morning I'll try talking to him again.'  
After dinner, Evan sits up on his bed and opens his laptop to talk to Jared.

On iMessage  
Evan: Hey Jared  
Jared: whattup  
Evan: I didn't see you after school today, how was your day  
Evan: today  
Jared: Well, it's not like anything interesting usually happens in school.   
Evan: Yeah  
Evan: Hey, do you think Connor maybe isn't really too bad? I mean he was nice to me when he offered to sign my cast...  
Jared: Really? Connor Murphy? I don't know dude, he /did/ push you after you laughed at him  
Evan: I didn't laugh at him  
Jared: yeah, whatever just be careful around that guy  
Evan: Alright  
Jared: I gotta go, see ya tomorrow

Evan clicks out of the app and opens up the document with his new letter.

_________________________________________________________________________________

End of first chapter!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of lying and singing

It's the next day at school and there's homeroom today, which means there's more time for everyone to talk before class starts.  
Connor is leaning on his locker searching the halls for Evan. 'Okay, no big deal you just have to ask that guy who you don't really know to come over to your house to have dinner with your family. I bet it'll go perfectly fine, right?' His eyes finally catch the sight of Evan's blonde hair and sparkling brown eyes. 'Shit that's gay, I gotta repress the gay with him, he likes my sister for god's sake.' 

'Oh there's Connor,' Evan thinks as he turns around, 'shit he's looking at me... am I staring now? I think I'm staring but he's staring too how long are we just going to look at each other? Is he gonna say hi or should I go walk over to him? Oh, my feet are already moving.'  
Evan makes his way towards the unmoving, tall, skinny boy.

"Hi Connor."  
"Do you want to hang out at my place tonight?"  
"What?"  
"Yeah, uh, I'm sorry I yelled at you and I lost your paper... so you wanna come over if you're not busy? We could like... talk I guess."  
"Uh, yeah sure I mean I have to call my mom and it's okay I uh I understand why you got upset I'm sorry."  
"Why are you saying sorry it was my fault. Are you trying to make me look bad?!"

Evan flinches back and Connor recollects himself  
'Okay Connor don't make assumptions, control yourself, you need him to come over.'  
"I'm uh, sorry Evan," Connor says stepping back. You don't have to have to come." He waved his hand as though it's unimportant.  
'Okay Evan for some reason it's important for you to go so just agree. He stopped himself from getting angry this time so yeah, it should be fine.'

"No, no, it's fine I'll come I'll come just uh meet me in the computer room? I have to do something there first I mean I don't have to I could do it tomorrow but I'd rather finish it today if you don't mind I don't know if you want to start walking early or something-."  
"I'll meet you in the computer room after school," Connor cuts him off and goes to class.  
"Okay see you... later."

Evan's Class- English  
"You're going to that freak's house?!" Jared whispered over to Evan.  
"Yeah, it seemed important to him, and I-"  
"Let me guess, you just couldn't say no."  
"Well he didn't want me to say no."  
"You realize you can be getting yourself into some serious shit, right? What if he murders you in his basement? You don't know what he's going to do to you!"  
"He obviously has some issues but I wouldn't take it that far."  
"Dude, didn't you hear what he did? There's talk all around school."  
"I didn't hear anything..."  
"That night after he took your sex letter he," Jared's voice went a little quieter, "he attempted suicide, Evan."  
"Oh my god. Oh my god."  
"Yeah, him inviting you to have dinner with him probably has something to with that."  
"Please stop talking I already said I was going to go and you're not helping with the anxiety I'm getting, okay?"  
"Whatever, just don't say I didn't warn you."

Connor's Class- Bio  
As soon as Connor walked into the room he felt everyone's eyes turn to him.  
'Shit,' he thought, 'they found out. Everyone found out. Who the hell said something. It wasn't Evan because he wouldn't have agreed to meet with me if he knew what happened.'  
Slowly, he's making his way to the back of the room and sits next to Alana, who is too preoccupied with her work to notice his discomfort at first. When he speaks to her she jumps up in surprise as if she had blocked out all of her surroundings.  
"Hey, Alana, did you start working on that first packet?" he asks a bit quietly. He actually started it. It was a good excuse to stay in his room for the whole evening.

"Of course," suddenly her face lights up, "I've finished section one and two last night. Did you start it as well?"  
"Uh, yeah actually. I finished the first three sections but I don't think they're all right."  
"I'd be absolutely delighted to check it for you. I swear I won't copy your answers for the third section."  
"That'd be cool, thanks."  
"No problem, you're one of my best acquaintances after all."  
Connor hands her his packet, a bit weirded out by Alana, but thankful for her help. She's the first person in a while to actually be friendly with him.

After school  
Evan is racing to the computer room after school to finish his assignment quickly. He doesn't bother printing it out this time, Doctor Sherman said he could just email it to him from now on. Evan now remembers to call his mom to tell her he's staying at Connor's for dinner. Not like he has to anyway since she won't be home until late at night. Still, he picks up his phone and taps on "Mom" in the middle of the screen. She picks up after a few rings.

"Hey sweetie, everything okay?"  
"Yeah mom I just called to let you know I'll be having dinner at my friend's house tonight."  
"Jared?"  
"No, it's actually- I made a new friend... his name is Connor."  
"Oh good, well have fun okay? I'll see you back home tonight."  
"Yeah mom, okay, love you, bye."  
"Love you too honey."

Click.

Just as Evan is finishing he sees Connor walking into the room looking more anxious than usual.  
"I'm finishing now, I'm almost done," Evan exhales rushing to type his last few words.  
"That's fine, but Evan I should probably mention something before we head to my house."  
"Yeah?"  
"You probably heard already about the uh... what happened a few days ago, and I thought you should know that uh, my mom wanted me to invite you. She found your note in my pocket. She thought I wrote it. She thinks that we've been friends..."  
"Oh..."  
"Yeah, yeah I'm sorry for getting you caught up in this, if you want to change your mind about coming I get it."  
"No, no! I'll still come."  
"...seriously?"  
"Yeah... yeah, I know how it feels to uh... yeah I'll come over."  
"Oh uh... great that's cool. Um, one more thing... would you be willing to lie with me? About the whole being friends thing? I don't want my mom to think I was completely alone."  
"Uh yeah sure yeah I can do that."  
"Wow...okay... Ready to go?"  
"Yeah yeah I'm good to go."

'Why does Evan keep going along with this? And what did he mean when he said he understood?' Did he...?'  
'Why do I keep going along with this? It's because you're like him, except you've learned to hide your issues. Shut up'

"Shut up," Evan accidentally whispers to himself.  
"What?"  
Evan looks startled upon realizing that he had said that out loud. "Oh it's, it's nothing I was just talking to myself."  
"Talking to yourself?"  
"Haha," he laughs a bit nervously, "yeah I do that sometimes you know... well you don't because we just met but you get what I mean I'm sorry."  
"You apologize a lot."  
"Sorry..."  
"...anyway my house is this way."  
"Yeah, yeah okay."

At the Murphy's house  
"Mom I'm home! Evan's with me!" Connor yells as he walks up to his room with his new friend.  
"Great honey! Dinner will be ready in an hour!" Cynthia exclaimed. This was the first time since second grade that Connor has brought a friend home.

Connor and Evan continue up the stairs to his room, across the hall from Zoe's.

"Zoe's not back yet," Connor said quickly, remembering that Evan has a thing for his sister.  
"Oh... oh I wasn't- I don't really care, you know, cause like, I came over to talk- to hang out with you so why-why would I care about Zoe I mean I don't- I've never even talked to her so why-"  
"Because you like my sister, I mean why else would you include her in that depressing note of yours. You're not here for-" Connor realized he was freaking out again. He needs him to stay tonight. Just once. Just so his mom can think that he has a friend.

Evan wipes his palms onto his jeans and clenches his jaw. He readies himself to be shoved once again after Connor stops speaking. Connor raises his hand...  
'I have to ensure him that it's okay. I have to tell him I'm not mad. I am god knows I'm upset, but I have to hide it for tonight.'  
Evan flinches...  
Connor puts his hand on Evan's shoulder and leads him into his room.

'What is he going to do to me?' Evan thinks.

"Evan I'm sorry, I do that a lot I- I can't really control it so just know that you didn't do anything wrong."  
"Yeah, of course, I get it, I understand."  
Connor closes the door and replies, "what do you mean? Why do you keep saying you understand? You just met me, I don't think you understand me at all."

Evan takes a deep breath, scared about his next response.  
"Well," Evan pauses, choosing his next words carefully, "I- I know how it feels to, uh, to be alone. To feel like no one would notice if I just disappeared tomorrow. I mean- you read that note you know what I'm feeling you... you've seen the worst of me..." Evan nearly whispers the last part of his sentence and lets eyes fall to the floor.  
"The worst of you?"  
"Yeah... yeah... so we're like... friends now, right? Like, I can talk to you... about... stuff?"  
"I guess, I mean, there aren't many people to choose from."  
"Haha yeah you're you're right..."  
"Well is there something you want to say? I'm not gonna wait around all day for you to start talking."  
"Um, well..." Evan is cut off and both boys look startled as Cynthia calls them downstairs.  
"The lie," Evan looks up at Connor wide-eyed.  
"Guess we're gonna have to wing it."  
They both take a deep breath and head down the stairs.

The round dining table is nicely lit with five wooden chairs placed around it. Zoe and Larry are already seated and Cynthia is walking in with the last two dishes.  
"You like chicken parm, Evan?" Cynthia questioned.  
"Yeah, yeah, it's great, I like it."  
"Great. Zoe, Larry, this is Evan. Connor's best friend."  
"Best friend?" exclaimed Zoe, "I saw him push you!"  
Connor looked back at Evan worriedly.  
"Oh that was an accident, I tripped," Evan quickly lied.  
"No, I saw you! He pushed you, hard!"  
"He pushed you?" Cynthia looked at Connor with disbelief. Connor stood silent. Evan was good with the lying part, he would just curse her out and make everything worse."  
"Oh no, I remember now you see," Evan looked at Connor as if he was saying 'sorry' with his eyes, "Connor and I don't really talk at school much because I'm like..."  
"A nerd," Zoe finished for him.  
"Zoe!" her mom exclaimed.  
"I was going to say loser actually but nerd works, too."

Connor begged mentally for this discussion to end.  
"Evan c'mon, sit down."  
"Yeah, okay, yeah."  
"Connor... is that really why you pushed Evan," his mom says, trying to dig for the truth."  
"I was having a rough day mom," he said rolling his eyes. She shuts up whenever he mentions about the attempt. Zoe doesn't.  
"So if you guys are best buds then where do you guys hang out?"  
"We..." Connor can't think up anything. Thankfully Evan picks it up before there's too long of a silent moment.  
"Well mostly at my house... but mostly we write each other emails."

'Shit,' Connor thinks, 'my dad reads my emails!'

"I read Connor's emails," Larry says, "there aren't any from you."  
Connor panics, "I know dad, that's why I have a... I have a secret account."  
"Larry!" Cynthia exclaims, "Give the boy some privacy! He shouldn't have to be writing secret emails to his friends!"  
"Someone has to be the bad guy," Larry shrugs and continues his meal.  
"I still don't believe you guys," Zoe says, "you look like you literally just met. Tell me one great day you two had together. Then I'll believe you."  
Connor looks sideways at Evan.  
"Well we uh... we went to...," Connor starts.

Evan looks down at the bowl of apples in the middle of the table.  
"The... apples place," Evan finishes.

'Oh man, why did I say that, that sounds so stupid.'  
Connor shoots Evan a look like 'really? You said 'apple place'? Evan looks back at him and gives a small shrug.

"You went to the orchard?!" Cynthia says enthusiastically.  
"We haven't gone there in years! I thought it closed down a while ago..."  
"Yeah well that's why we were disappointed when we got there. It was a bit gloomy," Connor states, now getting a hang of the improvised storytelling.  
"I thought it was pretty nice actually," Evan adds, "there, there wasn't anyone around... it was... peaceful and there were a few tall trees still left..."

'What is he doing, what if they look there and see that he's lying! He's putting too much detail into this!'

Evan starts to sing, "End of may or early June, this-"  
Connor joins in, "picture perfect afternoon we shared. Drive the winding country road..."

Larry suddenly realizes something, "Remember that ice cream place we used to go to? What was the name of it...-"  
Cynthia nearly jumps out of her seat. "A La Mode!

Evan: Grab a scoop at A La Mode  
Connor/Evan: and then we're there

Connor and Evan keep eye contact to make sure they're on the same page.

Evan: An open field that's framed with trees we pick a spot and...  
Connor: Shoot the breeze like buddies do. Quoting songs by our favorite bands...  
Evan: Telling jokes no one understands except us two  
Connor/Evan: And we talk and take in the view  
Evan: All we see is sky for forever  
Connor: We let the world pass by for forever

'This is good,' Connor thinks, 'they'll believe this. I just have to look a little more happy and enthusiastic. If I can do that then I can get them off my ass.'

Evan: Feels like we can go on for forever this way  
Connor/Evan: Two friends on a perfect day

Both parents are smiling and Evan could swear he saw Zoe let out a smirk.  
Cynthia nudges Larry, "Hey, remember when you crashed Connor's plane into the river?"  
Larry laughs and replies, "it was an emergency landing!"

Connor: We walk a while and talk about...  
Evan: The things we'll do when we get out of school.  
Evan lets out a small laugh and Connor lets himself smile. 

'This is quite fun,' they both think.

Evan: Bike the Appalachian trail  
Connor: Or write a book  
Evan: Or learn to sail  
Connor/Evan: Wouldn't that be cool.  
This is good for the both of them. Connor and Evan are imagining it. Talking, laughing, having a perfect day.  
Connor: There's nothing that we can't discuss  
Connor sounds like he's just trying to convince his parents, and covering up the fact that he's actually enjoying this.  
Evan: Like /girls  
Connor: /boys  
Connor/Evan: we wish would notice us but never do. 

Evan and Connor's parents are too distracted by the song to notice that Connor literally just said that he's gay in front of everyone. 

Evan: he looks around and says to me,  
Connor: there's nowhere else I'd rather be and he says  
Evan: me too  
Connor/Evan: And we talk and take in the view. We just talk and take in the view.

Cynthia looks endearingly at the two boys and Connor looks down for a moment, irritated and embarrassed. He sucks it up and looks over at Evan who looks as though he's really enjoying himself.

Connor/Evan: And we talk and take in the view... We just talk and take in the view.

Evan looks back at Connor with a small smile. Connor smirks back and rolls his eyes, trying to look as though he isn't actually enjoying himself; but in actuality, he is- if only everyone wasn't staring, it's making him anxious. As they start singing again Connor glares sideways at Evan, now questioning why Evan isn't anxious at the moment. 

Evan: All we see is sky for forever, we let the world pass by for forever  
Evan's voice goes soft so Connor decides to pick the song back up with him.  
Connor/Evan: Feels like we could go on for forever this way  
Evan's eyes might as well be sparkling as he imagines the perfect afternoon that he supposedly shared with Connor  
Evan: This way  
Connor is continuing to sing softer than Evan.  
Connor/Evan: All we see is light for forever; Cause the sun shines bright for forever

Evan's enthusiasm rubs of on Connor a bit as he too envisions this perfect day that they are making up.

Connor/Evan: Life will be alright for forever this way; This way

Connor is unsure of what to say at this point and panics when Evan also pauses, though thankfully Evan comes up with something else to add to the story.

Evan: And there he goes racing toward the tallest tree; From far across the yellow field I hear him calling-  
Connor/Evan: "follow me"; And there we go; Wondering how the world might look from up so high  
Connor: One foot after the other  
Evan: One branch then to another; I climb higher and higher; I climb till the entire sun shines on my face... and I suddenly feel the ranch give way... I'm on the ground

Evan rubs his left arm and Connor is looking over a bit concerned. Not because of his arm, but because of something else.

Evan: My arm goes numb... I look around...  
Evan turns happily to Connor.  
Evan: And I see him come to get me  
Connor can see the sadness in his eyes as he continues.  
Evan: He's come to get me  
Connor: And everything's okay  
Connor/Evan: All we see is sky for forever; We let the world pass by for forever; Buddy you and I for forever this way; This way  
Evan: All we see is light  
Connor/Evan: Cause the sun burns bright  
Evan: We could be alright for forever this way  
Connor: Two friends  
Evan: True friends  
Connor/Evan: On a perfect day

Connor's parents look at the boys with content and top their happiness off with a smile.  
Evan stares into the distance for a while, still fantasizing about the beautiful lie. After a couple of seconds, he realizes that the room is dead silent and Connor is starting to sit back down. Evan clears his throat and awkwardly seats himself back into his chair. Evan and Connor give each other a few nervous glances. Connor, being worried his parents will find out that it’s a lie and Evan getting anxious over the fact that he may have been overly enthusiastic and made himself seem stranger than he already has.  
Finally, after what seemed like hours of picking at food, Evan finally attempts a conversation.

“So uh… Zoe…,” Evan manages to get the words from his head out of his mouth, “uh… when’s your next Jazz Band concert?” Evan feels Connor’s eyes shift to him and remembers how Connor reacted at the mention of his sister in the library. Not wanting to cause a scene he quickly states, “because Connor told me that uh, that you’re really good and I thought it would like cool to see you play?”  
“You said my playing sucks,” Zoe says, diverting her attention to Connor.  
“Connor!” Cynthia exclaims. No one listens to her. Cynthia’s name calling leaves little to no effect on the teenagers.  
“It was a joke,” Connor defends.  
“Some joke,” his sister adds.

It’s quiet again. Connor seems to be highly agitated and isn’t touching his food anymore. He sits there, silently staring at his plate. One more sentence out of someone and he may freak out on everyone. 

“Connor and I should probably go uh… study…,” Evan blurts out. He quickly carries their plates to the kitchen and leads Connor up the stairs, looking desperate to get away from the family. Evan wishes he could get away from Connor, too. Away from everyone for a bit.  
The two boys are now in Connor’s bedroom, both sort of awkwardly standing around. Suddenly Connor clears his throat to speak.  
“Uh… thanks, you know for helping me,” he pauses and looks at Evan, “and I’m sorry for pushing you over and freaking out on you.” Evan looks down and gives a coarse, short laugh.  
“Yeah it’s alright.” They’re silent again. Connor looks down at his phone and his eyes widen in panic.  
“SHIT!”  
“What? What happened?”  
“Alana called me like 10 times and left a million messages?!”  
“Oh, Alana?”  
“You know her? Wow you sure are popular with the ladies aren’t you?” Connor’s voice is rising and Evan takes a few steps back.  
“Uh… why uh, what was she texting you about?” Connor is frantically reading through and when he looks to be done he lets out a sigh and rolls his eyes.  
“Pop quiz tomorrow. All that panic for a quiz, jeez, the way she said it I thought someone was dying.”  
“Oh, well, good thing yeah?” Evan gives a hopeful smile and Connor, looking up at him, gives a small snicker and throws his phone onto his bed. He sits down and digs under his bed his bed for something. He then pulls out a slightly wrinkled and folded paper.

“You want this back, right? Evan grabs the paper from Connors' hands and shoves it into his jean pockets.  
“Yes thank you,” he blurts out.  
“Sorry I can’t give those pills back to you though,” Connor mutters and diverts his attention to a fray on his sleeve.  
“You finished those?! You took them last week you, you aren’t supposed to take that many you could d-” Evan suddenly freezes, realizing what happened, “oh… I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I got refills saying I spilled them, no one’s gonna know.” Now Evan is the one diverting his attention. Connor, on the other hand, is staring right at him.

“You are so fucking nice.”  
“W-what?”  
“Yeah, you’ll literally do anything to make sure someone’s not upset with you… that’s probably why you don’t have friends.”  
“How would being nice make people not like me?”  
“Well if you don’t want people to notice or be upset with you, you’ll never talk to anyone and let anyone talk over you.” Evan looks embarrassed. He isn’t used to people taking notice to his habits other than Jared, who usually just mentions it to annoy him. Evan doesn’t want to be called out on his behavior and defends himself.  
“Well you don’t have friends either and you’re obviously not nice.” Evan looks up to see Connor with a surprised expression and immediately regrets saying anything.  
“Wow, I didn’t think you had it in you to say something rude.”  
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean it that way-”  
“I was impressed, you’re ruining it.”  
“Sorry…”  
“Evan?”  
“Yeah?” Connor picks at his black painted nails. “Would you mind coming around again tomorrow? It would mean a lot… for my mom, you know?”  
“Sure, yeah I can come back. Just uh…” Evan looks around nervously and continues, “can I get your number?”  
“Yeah,” Connor shrugs and grabs Evan’s arm to write his number on the other side of his cast, this time a lot smaller. Evan sighs at this and mutters a small “thanks.”  
“Uh… I should probably go…,” Evan murmurs looking around the room for nothing in particular.  
“Okay, I’ll lead you out, make sure my mom doesn’t ambush you while you’re leaving.” Evan gives out a small laugh as Connor holds his door open for him. Connor leads the way quietly, and successfully gets Evan out the door without anyone noticing.  
“Thanks again…”  
“Sure.”  
“See you tomorrow?”  
“Definitely,” Evan nods, waves and starts to make his way towards his house, which is actually pretty far. It doesn’t matter though, he knows his mom isn’t going to be home until late again today.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW!!! You don't have to read it if you know the DEH storyline.  
> This is a flashback to Connor's suicide attempt  
> (Also a super short chapter, next one might be Evan's flashback so TW for that too)

Connor sat alone in his room, staring blankly at the floor where Evan stood just a few hours ago.  
‘You don’t deserve him.’ This thought makes him shudder. ‘You know that don’t you? He’s nice, he’s good in school, he’s clean, he never tried to k-’ Connor lets out a cough-like sob, and clenches the sweater on his chest. He uses his other hand to cover his mouth, making sure no one can hear him.  
He thinks back to it. The memory he’s been repressing since it happened.  
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Connor lays his head back on an old, cracking tree, tears escaping from his eyes. He examines around the old, abandoned orchard. He didn't mean to come here, he was actually was planning to go to a park, but passing by this place sparked memories. 

Red and orange leaves trickle down through the air from the rotting trees that Connor used to climb. The sun providing some warmth out of the chilly breeze. Seeing the small brown patch of grass where he, his parents, and Zoe used to lay down a blanket and have picnics, his mind automatically punishes him.  
‘Remember that?’ he thinks, ‘remember when you weren’t a freak, when your family was happy? When Zoe looked up to you because she thought you were cool? Now, look. It’s all your fault.’  
“It’s all my fault,” Connor whispers to himself. “Everyone would be better off without me, if I could just-” he takes a shaky breath and sighs, “I want to be done with it.” He takes a bottle of pills and a razor out from the pocket of the sweater he’s sitting on. Connor is shaking. He doesn’t want to die, but he doesn’t want to live either. He doesn’t want to drag everyone down with him.  
He grabs the bottle with both hands and his practically chokes on his own sobs, not even bothering to wipe the tears away. One of his hands shift over, and his fingers graze on top of the many, many scars above his wrist, too tired to create any more than a few scratches. His hand then travels to his bookbag beside him, and he grabs a bottle of water from the pocket. At the same time his fidgeting with the cap of the bottle, trying to pry it open single-handedly. It finally opens.

Connor steadies his breath, coming to terms with what he’s about to do. He takes one last look up at the oranging leaves above. He finally brings the bottle to his lips and makes a few hard swallows, squeezing his eyes shut. Connor lets himself stay still in that position, and drowns in a deep sleep.  
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Connor is silent now. He takes a breath and looks down, eyes glancing at the sleeves of his sweater. Getting up, he removes the sweater and sits at his desk, taking out his homework for the first time in what seemed like years. He pulls out his phone and gives Alana a quick text.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another really short chapter
> 
> There'll be more next week when I'm done with finals

It’s early the next day. Sun shines on Evan’s eyes and the images of Jefferson Park come into his mind. 

The tall, towering trees, the golden sun that seemed to pass over an everlasting horizon. He pictures the rough climb of a particular 500ft oak tree, each hand scraping over the dark brown peeling oak. Soft breezes swept his hair aside as he climbed higher and higher.   
The view was pretty, but Evan couldn’t help but let out tears. 

‘No one would notice’ he thought, ‘if I just stayed here forever, if I just continued to watch the world from above.’ 

He knew what he meant. He couldn’t lie to himself anymore. 

 

The alarm at his bedside goes off and scares him out of his memory. His left hand rises to wipe away a few tears, causing him to stare at his cast for a minute. Finally, he gets up and gets ready for the day, pulling out a new polo shirt and some khakis. 

Heidi then walks into his room.

“Hi sweetie,” she says softly and sits on his bed, hand patting next to her to signal Evan to sit beside her. Evan however, only looks up and starts to pack his bag. Giving up, she goes on to what she was going to say. “Hey so, I’ve heard from some of the other parents about this boy… Connor… How he tried to kill himself?”

Evan only becomes more preoccupied with his bag, pretending to be looking for something. He can’t think about it right now, not after the memory he just had.

“I just want to let you know that you can talk to me. Whenever. Even if I’m at work I’m always just a phone call away!”

He finally acknowledges her efforts, but still doesn’t want to talk.  
“Yeah mom, I know.”

Beat.

“Okay, it says Connor on your arm so I just-”

Evan cuts her off in panic.

“Oh no, that’s uh, it’s a different Connor.”

At that, his mom looks relieved.

“Okay,” she says getting up, “good, that’s okay. I’ll just… let you finish getting ready, I can drive you to school today if you’d like! My shift starts at noon!”

“No, that’s okay, I like the walk.”

“Okay.”

Heidi shuts the door and Evan’s posture relaxes. 

‘Why did I do that?’ he thinks, ‘I didn’t have to lie.’ 

Evan pauses for a moment and whispers to himself.

“But if I didn’t… she would’ve asked questions… she wouldn’t want me to talk to him… she’d want to meet him.” The thought has him shiver, and he groans in frustration.


End file.
